


The Guilt of Knowing You're Making Things Worse (Deserve It)

by cuddlepunk



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Eating Disorders, Hiatus, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Hatred, Soul Punk, Suicide, Suicide Notes, pete feels guilty, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 19:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5755153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlepunk/pseuds/cuddlepunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The center of attention and loving it, soaking up the screams of fans and dancing along with them. You’re at the top of your game.</p><p>You have been ever since you gave up on me. It’s no surprise, really. All I ever did was drag you down. </p><p> </p><p>Or, what I imagine Pete felt after the breakup, with an extra serving of suicide. Joyful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Guilt of Knowing You're Making Things Worse (Deserve It)

**Author's Note:**

> trigegr warning self harm and suicicde and eating disorders and you know anxiety and depression i guess and i think like i mentioned mental breakdowns. so like this is a work of fiction and i dont own fall out boy or anyone involved and please dont sue me. plz dont like send this to anyone involved in fall out boy and whatver you get it you guys r cool

Baby, you’ve changed more than sweltering supper to permafrosted winter. Once mine, now a novel dynamic, not anyone’s for the taking. A new you, unseen, headlining and head turning. You’re happy, picturesque, eyes sparkling and peachy lips turned up in a snarky grin. Confident and independent, responsible and capable. The center of attention and loving it, soaking up the screams of fans and dancing along with them. You’re at the top of your game.

You have been ever since you gave up on me. It’s no surprise, really. All I ever did was drag you down. 

Don a new appearance completely, switch up every customizable aspect of yourself, didn’t you. Take away everything I loved so much. I still love you. Even with your name carved into my thighs tenfold, even with your new shiny face and dress, I’ll always love you. But it’s different now. It’s not mutual. This is a non-consensual obsession, it makes me hate myself. I’m the kind of person tumblr warns you about. Abusive and toxic, controlling and compulsive. I’ll destroy you, a horrible influence, someone more compatible with a restraining order than a family portrait. It’s all my fault that this happened at all. I’m so fucking sorry. 

I’m glad you got away from me. I’m glad you’ve found peace with those who will truly care for you, love you, comfort you. Everything I could never offer. You deserve a joyful, cozy life. I could never give you that. You’re so far away already, unreachable, completely disconnected. But for the love of god, keep running. Get as far away as you can. Protect yourself from whatever I may come up with, barricade me out. Don’t let me in, lock me up and swallow the key. I love you and I can’t let you tear yourself apart to please me. Not that you’d want to.

No, you’re over me, and I can’t be more thankful. Forget everything we had, block it all out. Distract yourself from any memory that may resurface. Ignore it. It’ll keep you out of harm’s way, just as I’ll stay out of yours. Bittersweet but satisfying, a fitting ending to a grotesque story. 

You sound amazing, you know. Better than anything I could ever write. You’ve always been better off without me. Better sounding, better feeling, just better. In the meantime, I’ll be getting worse. As I rightfully should. I want you to steal any bit of energy or hope I have left, if there is such a thing, for yourself. I don’t matter in the slightest. As long as you’re okay, Undeserving, assholish, bothersome, a nuisance, someone more than deserving of being put down, would be a few terms to describe me. You’re the complete opposite, perfect and pristine. You’re deserving of nothing other than endless accolades and unlimited luxuries. Take everything I have, I never really needed it anyways. Not that you can’t get it all yourself.

You’ve made it quite clear that you’re more than capable of functioning without me looking over your shoulder every two seconds. Thriving under alone time, growing in spaces without familiar places. I should have known all along that you were destined for greatness that I just can’t give. I think I knew all along, on some level. Is it really a surprise?

Is anything a surprise? Are the mental breakdowns I’ve been having every night any shock? Did you expect the ribs sticking out from my stomach and the slashed veins all over my body? You knew it all along. I’ve been a wreck from the start. I was never really okay, and I sure as hell won’t ever be anything close again. You were the only person who could make me feel human again, and being around me broke you down. This is why I can’t be around people. Why I’m unable to have any social interactions, why I can’t keep a steady relationship or way of life or anything.

It’s meant to be this way. You’re on top and I’m withering away, far below. I love you even if you don’t want me to, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Patrick. I know I’ve just been dragging you down. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand what needs to be done.

This is what this has all been leading up to and we both know it. This isn’t your fault, Trick. Take care of yourself, alright? Make sure Andy and Joe and all the others do the same. I care about all of you more than words can describe, even though you all hate me and I know it.

I’ll be happy after this, you’ll never have to deal with me again. Keep riding the top, you look great up there. 

Lastly, thank you. Thank you for putting up with me before I realized what was true. Thank you for knowing when to leave. Thank you, most of all, for giving up on me and getting over it. I’m doing this for you, alright? Thrive with your newfound weightlessness. You don’t have to worry about me anymore, I’ll be right down in hell where I belong.

I love you. Goodbye, Trick.


End file.
